Here's the long answer.
Last October I had a full day of Second City-ness: sketch writing class in the morning, lunch with classmates, afternoon drop-in improv class with my most favoritest teacher, and a 4-show evening for $4. Marvelling at my own dorkiness while strolling down Hollywood Blvd, (I'm glad that this wasn't the time that meth-head begged me for change) my feet hit the concrete corner at Highland Avenue. An anvil fell to my core: Something. Is not. Right. Is this a square peg in a round hole I see before me? I stared at the lights blaring from both the El Capitan cinema and the Hollywood & Highland Center. This is the tourist heart of LA, where the original Red Carpet is lain and walked upon by unweighable talent, and my atoms aren't vibrating like they do in Times Square. I'm not a wide-eyed Xtina arriving on a bus with the Hollywood sign on the windows' reflections, hoping to "make it" as a dancer working at a club owned by Cher. The search began.
September 2009. Senior year at Chapman. I'm taking a mere 12-credit term, with 3 of those credits belonging to Pilates, ballet, and voice lessons. Graduation is so close and yet so far. The big question that lingers is "Where are you moving to after graduation????" Most of my theatre peeps want to move to Hollywood. Many of them picked Chapman because it was close to LA in the first place. My original choice was "anywhere but LA." It's way too big and gross and dirty and I'm not hot enough to be cast in anything, not even amateur porn. Alas, I cannot deny that there are acting opportunities in general. Everyone knows someone with a camera, and every once in awhile people actually do do plays. Good plays with meaty roles so you can send dozens of invitations to casting agents that WILL cast you in TV roles and national commercials! What's not to like? I figure I ought to give it a shot. Maybe I was missing something that everyone else sees.
Apparently I still do.
Let's rewind one more time. The first time I went to Chicago I was 17 years old. I was visiting colleges that had solid undergrad theatre training, DePaul University in this instance. In my mind I had to juggle thoughts regarding the program and the university, the city itself, and awkward-damage control having recently come out to my parents ("They have a gay-straight alliance." Dad, stop being so supportive!!!). I found it to be a nice town, but nothing really stood out at the time. I had other things on my proverbial plate, like which colleges to apply for, coming out to the rest of my school and doing SENIOR YEAR RIGHT. It was serious stuff that demanded my full ADD-length attention span.
So when I considered places to move after graduating into "the real world," I glanced over what Chicago had to offer, like a killer theatre scene with five Tony award-winning regional theatre companies (Steppenwolf, Goodman, Victory Gardens, Chicago Shakespeare, and Lookingglass). The home base of improv / sketch comedy in the US. Delicious food to help you survive those notorious winters. Public transit that actually gets you around town and is affordable and not too sketchy. A bustling city with greenery that doesn't have to be found in dispensaries. And people that don't worry about feeding their obese egos. I got to experience this first hand last November, and had my feelings confirmed in July. A metropolis that didn't have the attitude problem of either NYC or LA? It was like a glass of cucumber ice water during a 113-degree sweat fest.
And to be blunt, I'm not ready for LA. I'm not a professional (yet), and LA is a town for professionals. I don't feel like I can grow here. It's go hard or go home territory. Chicago will whittle me down and build me back up, and not just because the weather is atrocious. I'm such a floater and I'm ready to get grounded by people who are dedicated to doing it right. I need discipline not "industry talk" BS. Not to mention I'm not confident for the camera, to the point where you can almost consider it a phobia. If I'm still learning my craft onstage and that's my comfort zone, how can I tackle it with a heightened level of anxiety?
Don't get me wrong. A part of my soul belongs here in southern California, and always will I'm sure. I did spend grade school in Colorado, but for the other 18 of my 23 years of existence, I've been nestled in a land of eternal sunshine and Botox and hipness (and here in West Hollywood, a land of eternal rainbows). A part of my soul belongs to theatre and acting. There's something so pure about being with people, live in a room with you, breathing the same air as you, and revealing the raw power of the Imagination. Not just the Imagination of actors, but of directors and light and costume and scenic and sound designers and writers. And in some cases, dancers and choreographers and composers and librettists and musicians. It's miraculous. A part of my soul belongs to comedy. There's a release in laughter. The best comedy is that which reveals a Truth, but surprises simultaneously. It makes me feel that everything is gonna be OK, even when it's not. It reminds me this is all ephemeral. It reminds me how non-important everything is.
I've left my California-soul have control for too long. Theatre-soul and comedy-soul must leave the nest to grow up and not be intimidated by their elder. Once those three can get along, then and only then will I truly be at Home with myself.
Or perhaps the bone-chilling winter winds will whisk me away back to LA in, say, three months.
tl;dr: didnt give Chicago a chance, didnt realize how cool it is, need time away fom Cali
