Actor Talk: Crying

Any real actor knows that you don't have to be able to cry on cue in order to be good. You could cry by eating an onion before the director yells "Action!" but it would be superficial, not honest to the moment you are playing. You can tell when the tears are fake. I had heard this adage before, but it finally hit me on closing night of my last show, Southern Baptist Sissies by Del Shores.

I personally consider myself a more comedic actor because that is my comfort zone, but I won't shy away from drama. I auditioned for Sissies being familiar with Sordid Lives so I expected the show would be a comedy. I auditioned and got cast as Andrew, and I read the play and realized: shit. I have to cry my eyes out onstage twice and then kill myself. FML. Emotional vulnerability is one of my weak points, (which sucks considering my profession) but I was ready for the challenge which I'll admit was a struggle. I dreaded the moment every rehearsal we had to run that final scene because I didn't trust myself to get to where I wanted / needed to be. It affected me to the point where the night before we opened I was scared that I was the worst part of the show. But opening came and I went out there and all was good. Even though I didn't cry during my suicide scene I still felt good about the rest of the performance. The rest of the run was the same, but I was looking forward to closing night knowing I would be most emotional, savoring every last moment onstage knowing that it would be my last for that show.

Come closing, having already dealt with my parent's moving out of the house I had lived in for the last eleven years of my life, I knew tonight was gonna be the night I would finally be able to accomplish what I wanted to do since the day I was cast: cry onstage. Not just one baby tear, but full on cry. And I did. Both at the end of act one, right before I hanged myself, and during my "post-mortem" speech to Mark, and then during the closing song. Lots of crying. And how did I feel after? A little selfish. I expected to be proud that I had achieved what I had set to overcome, and now I felt underwhelmed and a cheapskate. WTF?

I was so focused on the end product of the tears that I betrayed the character, the script, and the art. I wasn't crying because of the given circumstances, but it was me reliving seeing my empty house that I had spent half my life in, knowing that a great run was coming to a close, not being able to see friends on a weekly basis. I was just proud that I'd finally be able to do something I had never done before. And I felt guilty.

You can hear something said over and over again and accept it as truth, but it's not until you actually have a personal experience that you then know it's truth.

Sometimes it's more powerful to see the character hiding the tears than showing them.