Sketch: She's a Witch!

This is my first sketch I've ever posted publicly, so this is an experiment. If you like it it, I'll post more in the future. If not, then this will be the last. But let's find out.

[Lights up. There is a LEADER speaking to its FOLLOWERS.]

LEADER: Now that we have gathered our numbers here at Saddleback Church, brothers

and sisters, let us share what we have done this past week in the name of…

ALL: THE KU KLUX KLAN!

JUSTIN: I’ll go first. I killed three of those dirty blacks outside of Roscoe’s on Tuesday night. I snuck up on ‘em from the shadows, stabbed their stomachs, and watched their intestines spill on the ground. I told ‘em, “We don’t like murderers in America!”

ALL: HUZZAH

ALLEN: I went to the house of some homosexuals living on a friend’s street, and burned it to the ground! As I heard the screams of agony from those queers, I laughed and said, “Who’s flaming now?”

ALL: HUZZAH

RACHEL: I visited an Interfaith Center in Anaheim where there were several Jews celebrating Rosh Hashanah, and I bombed the shit out of it! Everyone died! Long live the KKK.

ALLEN: …are you serious? That’s horrible! We should report you to the police.

LEADER: This is atrocious! You have Mel Gibson'd our venerable name, Rachel.

RACHEL: What!?

JUSTIN: Last week we agreed that killing Jews is so last century, so the Jews can live now. Besides, we don’t want to be associated with Hitler anymore.

RACHEL: I wasn’t here the last couple weeks. My manager doesn’t like letting me off early from Applebee’s.

JUSTIN: But still… bombing Jews is pretty serious.

RACHEL: I’m sorry, but we all know: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life,” John 3:16.

LEADER: Please tell me you did something to ratify this crime against humanity.

RACHEL: Well, I also walked by the Red Lobster downtown, saw a family of four enjoying a fresh order of shrimp slightly sautéed in gorgonzola butter, and I SHOT THOSE HEATHENS DOWN!

JUSTIN: …what?

LEADER: Were they a pack of ni—

RACHEL: No, of course not. We drove out all of the blacks from Orange County last year.

LEADER: So why did you kill them?

RACHEL: They were enjoying an order of shrimp slightly sautéed in gorgonzola butter. Come on guys! It says in the Bible, “And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.” Leviticus 11: 10-11.

JUSTIN: … was it black shrimp?

RACHEL: NO! Eating shrimp is an abomination unto our Lord! It says it right here in the Bible.

ALLEN: That’s extreme.

[OTHERS nod their heads in agreement, ad lib: “Yeah, that’s totally messed up.” “What a weirdo.” “Bitch is crazy,” etc.]

RACHEL: I thought we were here to bring America back in God’s favor! This was explicitly expressed by the Klan wizard himself, Glenn Beck.

LEADER: True, but… really, Rachel?

RACHEL: OK OK OK, maybe you’re right. That was a little over-the-top. But I know you won’t get upset with my great deed I performed just yesterday, Great Leader.

LEADER: Ahhh Christ, what else did you do?

RACHEL: I was in that sinful ghetto that is Silverlake, and I passed by a group of men with stringy shoulder-length brown hair and smelled of cheap Merlot and unwashed dogs. They were talking of some place named Intelligentsia. Probably a Satanic place of worship. I reached into my purse, took out my ice pick, and bashed one of them in the head. I knew I did good because I heard a crack. And I did spake onto them, “Doth not nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?” 1 Corinthians 11:14. God does not approve of long hair and I taught those pagans what’s what, because they screamed in terror of the wrath of the Lord.

ALLEN: How the hell did you survive the 80’s?

RACHEL: Daily prayer. I’ve been searching for Rob Lowe ever since “St. Elmo’s Fire,” and I still pray to Jesus that one day I’ll puncture that man’s trachea with my sewing scissors.

LEADER: Grab her.

[They do.]

LEADER: You have ruined our reputation. You have killed many people, and all based off of obscure Biblical references. You are gonna burn on a cross tonight, Rachel, because the KKK does not kill innocents. We are only here to exterminate those who have chosen a life of sin, and we will eradicate the homosexuals and the Is-lams and the blacks because America can’t suffer from their existences anymore. [To JUSTIN and ALLEN] Go get the cross ready.

[They exit. The OTHERS remain onstage.]

LEADER: So, everyone will be here on Saturday for the Qu’ran burning, yes?

BLACKOUT